In an aside to my ongoing quest for original, useable names for both male and female genitals (the only currently acceptable ones in my world being ‘cock’ and ‘cunt’, FYI), I decided to do some scientific investigation* into euphemisms for the sex act. All about the literary research, so I am.
Jesus, there’s some bad ones out there. Surely no one ever actually calls it ‘churning butter’? What the fuck are you doing to someone when you churn their butter? No, don’t tell me. I haven’t had my lunch yet.
So here, in no particular order, are my top seventeen sexytimes descriptors (I aimed for twenty but realised I couldn’t find that many that I could bear to type out). You’re welcome.
- Business Time – as in ‘oh yeah, it’s business time…’. You have to be a Flight of the Conchords fan for this one.
- Shooting for the five hole – courtesy of my friend Adam – “…in [ice] hockey, the space between the goalie’s leg is called the five hole (four corners of the net + between the goalie’s legs = 5), so in Canada a euphemism for sex is “shooting for the five hole”. Nice.
- Playing the Devil’s Bagpipes – courtesy of Susie, who lives in Scotland and evidently knows these things.
- Parting the Pink Sea – I actually like this one! Pretty sure I’ll never actually use it in a story, let alone reality, but I’ve heard worse. Much worse. Such as…
- Banging Like a Shit House Door – thanks to Lisa for this one. She says it’s because she’s Welsh, I say it’s because she’s a dirty scutter.
- Barneymugging – from the 1920’s. I love this. I really, really love this. I’m seriously considering starting a campaign to bring it back into common usage.
- Fisty Cuffs – apparently applies in lesbian context only; I’d never heard it before but it makes me wince just thinking about the possibilities.
- Bumping Uglies – No. Just…no.
- Making Love – you might be in love with the person you’re fucking, but you’re still fucking them. What you are NOT doing is making sweet, sweet luuuurve [vomiting noises]
- Hiding the Purple Gherkin – if your gherkin is purple then you need a swab test and antibiotics. Just saying.
- Visiting the Dodgy Butcher – according to my friend Emma this refers to anal sex. I think Emma just makes things up to see how gullible I am.
- Roasting the Broomstick – I think we can safely assume that said broomstick was bought from Emma’s butcher.
- Battering the Haddock – brilliant because it works on more than one level. And when I say ‘brilliant’ I actually mean ‘fucking awful and makes me do a tiny sick in my mouth’. Which is in itself almost certainly a euphemism but let’s not go there.
- Babydancing – luckily this is mostly confined to the twee world of parenting websites. Because if any one of you ever uses it in a genuinely sexual sense, I will have you culled.
- Quimsticking – sounds like something Harry Potter would do, but is still bizarrely appealing.
- Riding the Baloney Pony – from Laura, who is also Canadian. Those people are weird.
- And in final place, simply because it is just so goddamn awful I have been putting of typing it out, is…wait for it…Whitewashing Her Guts.
Seriously, people. Really?
So, what’s the worst sexual euphemism you’ve ever heard? Even better, what are the worst you’ve read in books? Tell Aunty Vi all about it…
*looked on Reddit and then asked Facebook
Find Violet Fenn online (if you dare):