Things that will happen upon the release of Fifty Shades of Grey, whether we like it or not.
Disclaimer – I have not seen the film (and have no intention of changing that status), but I have read the first book of the trilogy. As did my then-fifteen year old son (nothing to do with me, he sneaked his nan’s copy) who gave up a few chapters in and said it was ‘boring’. If a teenage boy thinks your sexy novel is tedious, then you maybe need to reconsider your definition of ‘sexy’.
These things will happen and there is nothing you can do to stop them.
Gaggles of overexcited ladies making the cinema a no-go zone – seriously, do you want to stand in the popcorn queue next to a giggling, slightly tipsy woman brandishing a whip and tottering on six inch heels that she’s not used to but which apparently make her feel ‘empowered’? Thought not. Although spare a thought for her husband, who’s probably sitting at home with the kids feeling faintly nervous.
The inevitable uproar from people who think that all kink is awful based on the film – because ‘that sort of thing’ is all PERVERTED FILTH, amiright? ‘Normal’ people would never do anything like that, oh no – if this plague of lust is not wiped out right now then the suburbs will be awash with people painting their spare rooms red and buying out B&Q’s stock of nylon rope and cable ties. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?
The inevitable uproar from people who think that all kink is brilliant based on the film – ‘But it’s FANTASY’, they will cry! ‘It’s not abusive at all…he’s a billionaire, see, and he buys her a MacBook before he spanks her, so even if she doesn’t actually want to be spanked SHE IS EMPOWERED!’
No, I don’t know how that one works, either. If you tell someone that you don’t want to be spanked and they still insist on spanking you, then get the hell out of Dodge, sister. Healthy BDSM (and of course there is absolutely such a thing) should, above all things, be consensual. If you’ve never done it before but fancy dipping your toe in the kinky waters, then read up on it first – this article is a good place to start.
Calls to the fire brigade from people needing to be unhooked from the bedstead because they followed the story’s suggestions to the letter and discovered just why no one in their right mind actually uses cable ties. Cable ties are a really stupid idea. Pull one of those fuckers too tight and you’ve got a blue hand and a trip to A&E, rather than an evening of elegantly sexy restraint. Buy some proper cuffs and be done with, for heaven’s sake.
BDSM-themed stuffed toys. Bleuuurggrhhhhhh. Teddy bears carrying bondage gear are not, never have been and never will be sexy. If you find this thing sexy than you have bigger problems than a basic lack of taste.
There are better, more real, and way sexier movies out there. Try watching Secretary – James Spader’s character would eat Christian Grey for breakfast and is one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen in a mainstream film. And he doesn’t use cable ties.