I am genuinely curious about pretty much everything in life, and the sex toy industry is nothing if not packed full of curiosities. So it was with wriggling excitement that I trawled last month’s ETO show for intriguing and unusual playthings.
I happen to know that this column is read by curious readers as well as other writers, so I decided to take the opportunity to introduce some new products to those who might otherwise not see them (or possibly just scare the more vanilla element half to death, but you can’t have everything).
Here, then, is my personal pick of gloriously sexy/intriguing/downright weird goodies from ETO 2014:
Pipedream have succeeded in producing quite possibly the most beautiful sex toys i have ever seen. Made from handblown (‘handblown’, snigger) glass, the Icicles range has actually been in production since 2010 and is currently the #1 glass brand in the world. These things are GORGEOUS. Seriously, I’d put any one of the Icicles range on the mantelpiece if I didn’t think that Smallest might want to play with the pretty toy.
BECAUSE WHO DOESN’T WANT A VIBRATOR THAT ELECTROCUTES YOUR FANJITA??? Truman – along with his buddies Electric Eric and Sizzling Simon, who between them provide different shapes and sizes – is the first e-stim vibrator I have ever seen in my life. Who even thinks these things up? But in reality, it’s a fabulous idea – a well designed vibrator with added fizz. Literally. As Ruby discovered…
Turns out she’s super sensitive to static electricity. Future boyfriends might want to bear this in mind, bwahahahaaa…
Now this is a nifty bit of kit. Gorgeously simple to look at, the Revel Body clitoral vibrator is completely different to anything I’ve seen before. Maybe I don’t get out enough? Either way, I fell in love with this thing. Supremely tactile and satisfyingly weighty, the Revel Body is a beautiful thing. And it is clever. Interchangeable heads give optional sensations and it even has what the makers describe as ‘underwater suction’.
Anything that can stay under water without breathing whilst giving me Happy Face gets my vote…
Okay, so maybe I was swayed by being told “You should definitely use our Betty products, you have the look.” Because, y’know, who doesn’t want to look like Betty fucking Page, huh? And I know that the actual items are nothing new and you can buy unbranded versions of the same items for less, but BETTY PAGE GODDAMMIT. Gorgeous, sexy, (fairly) normal Betty, who just loved her body and didn’t care who knew it. More women should have Betty as a role model, for sure.
The packaging is lovely – matt black and pink, with classic Betty photos all over – and the products are thoroughly unintimidating for newcomers to sex toys.
Okay I am going to admit this publicly – until embarrassingly recently I didn’t know that urethral sounds even existed. I know – call myself a filthmonkey? I’m evidently a complete fraud (if there’s anyone reading this who is as equally ignorant then you can find out more about e-stim devices in general here).
They are so pretty! All thin and silver and beautiful like 1970’s Parker pens. Is it weird to lust after toys that aren’t even aimed at me, just because they look like items of stationery? Don’t answer that.
Honourable mentions to the following:
Rocks-Off – tagline, ‘Buzz for Life’. I love the presentation of these products. Sailor Jerry-style tattoos and retro styling that brings vibrators out of the bedside drawer and onto the dressing table next to the lube carefully hidden behind the perfume bottles. You’re not fooling anyone.
Petit Joyoux by Mystim – third mention for one company, and for good reason – Mystim products are gorgeously designed and presented. And – this is the killer – their website is welcoming and easily navigable. Anyway, the Petit Joyoux range includes some beautiful, beautiful filigree masks that I fell in love with on the spot. They’re not going to give you anonymity whatsoever, but they’re as sexy as hell.
And finally, the ‘This Thing Confuses, Scares and Intrigues Me In Equal Measure Award’ goes to:
Multiway Strap-on – Icicles by Pipedream: Remember those 70’s plastic animal ornaments that were made to look like glass? I had dog that looked like Snoopy, a wonky-necked swan and a set of deer joined with gilt chain. Brilliant, weren’t they? So how about a gigantic, glass sex toy version? Seriously people, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS? It’s like a sexy glass octopus got tangled in a g-string and grabbed a battery pack on the way. It confuses me but I kind of love it for its quirkiness.