One of the sessions I did for Eroticon was one that centered on race. It was more than race though. It was about sexism, misogyny, and privilege and how those things play a role in invisibility. My biggest issue when sitting down to write up my session beforehand was that this is a meaty topic to dig into. More than that, in the session itself there was a lot of organic conversation and audience engagement that made leading this easy but writing it up hard.
As such, my hope is to give a cursory overview of what we discussed and then do future posts on my thoughts on individual issues.
You don’t see me…
Notice I didn’t continue the title over? Because this topic can be understood beyond race. Empathy is a big part of understanding one another. Perhaps you don’t understand what it means to be black, but you may get the lived experience of a woman or being queer or being disabled. Some of that understanding can be transferred. Empathy is not complete in being in someone else’s lived experience, but it opens the mind to how someone can feel in their lived experience.
An addition point on the title is I mentioned seeing me as opposed to liking me. One implies a level of invisibility and the other implies hate. You can be okay with me and miss my struggle or my needs. It’s important to note the difference because one may not be so intentional, but can still be harmful.
First and foremost, let’s get the big question out of the way:
Are you a racist?
Yes. Yes, you are.
I want you to sit with that and the feelings it draws up in you. Does it make you mad? Defensive? Because you aren’t or because you can’t possibly be a racist.
But sitting with the fact that you are is like any other criticism. What part of this is or could be true and what can I change in myself? Does it mean being more aware of the needs of those who are more vulnerable instead of drowning out their cries?
Ask yourself the hard question and go from there.
This breaks you out of the idea that because you’re progressive you’re free from bias. You are not. Believing you’re so progressive that you can’t be above fault, you can’t make missteps, opens you up to being a bad ally.
Lets move on to the important words that makes up the language of diversity aka the cringe words. I’m only planning on nailing the highlights or the worst words of the bunch.
Cringe Words
White Privilege
The word that gets a lot of people in their feelings. Even if you drop the first part of that, privilege still gets people going.
How can I have privilege? I’m poor, black, a woman, disabled. I am part of the unprivileged group, what privilege do I have?
One of the greatest definitions we came to during the session (thank you to Franki Cookney) was that privilege is the absence of obstacles. That definition is big and worth exploring in another post.
The absence of things that prevent you from reaching a goal or being successful. As a black person, in the U.S. institutional racism plays a huge role in who advances, who gets a job, and who doesn’t. To deny that truth ignores the fact that not everyone is on equal footing and “hard work” isn’t always enough or treated fairly.
Another big one I want to touch on is Micro-aggressions.
A micro-aggression is a term used for brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative prejudicial slights and insults toward any group.
It’s easy to look at this one and wonder how it applies. This isn’t overt racism or sexism. This is subtle. Feeling it’s okay to touch a black woman’s hair. Or stating a black politician is articulate. Some of that doesn’t feel wrong, but there are racist overtones embedded in these things.
How men dominate the space when they walk, sit, or move through life. Mansplaining or spreading. Female journalist or authors not getting the same opportunities when they are doing far more. Embedded sexism. This rolls into…
Overt v subtle isms.
There’s overt things like white hoods and MAGA are so fucking obvious there’s your “this is a nazi, must punch it” sign. Intentionally hiring or not hiring someone based on the name they put on their application.
But there’s subtle things. White women’s tears. Calling the police on black people. Ignoring representation. Saying institutional racism isn’t a thing and things are better when, NEWS FLASH, things aren’t really better.
So what can we do?
It’s easy to look at this and wonder what can be done. We want more PoCs, more disabled, trans, etc., etc. but how?
It can be hard if the people you’re most used to seeing look like you. Coming to a place that no one looks like you is really scary.
I wish I had the answer. My only thing is hyping more people that fit those bills. On Twitter, on blog posts, in other areas.
There’s following those people and pushing up their concerns. It’s speaking up when someone says something shitty. If you don’t have the right words, educate yourself where you can, point to those people who are saying and doing the right things and living the experience.
But making your space safe to the marginalized is important. Making sure you’re not clueless about what you say about certain topics. It’s being aware of the ways people are hurt and can be hurt by the other toxic people inside (and outside) our community.
Be a good ally.
Do those things above. Don’t center yourself in conversations that have nothing to do with you. Don’t talk over that marginalized person. Don’t say things like “you don’t see color/race” or similarly silly things because it ignores the hurt or problems that those of a certain race can experience.
Elevate the marginalized and remember you’re not the focus. You don’t get or deserve a cookie just because you championed for PoCs or any other marginalized group.
When you fuck up, and someone calls you out, take it on the chin. Go away, think about it, and learn. You can come back after with a better understanding of what you can say or do to be a help.
We’re all learning here within the privilege we have. We can welcome more people as we just demonstrate we are a safe place to land. That’s the key though, show others this community is a safe place above all.
I am Cara Thereon.
I am a professional with a life that keeps me busy and crazy and frantic, I am a writer, an explorer of my sexuality. I can be a temptress, a tease, and a little girl from one post to the next. I have a safe place to explore my kink and talk about the good, bad, and ugly of what I love.